Of Roses and Cookies
by Benevola
Summary: In this one, Alistair gives Helen his rose with rather unexpected results. Also, Alistair learns about women and their cycles when Leliana, Morrigan and the PC all PMS at the same time. Hilarity ensues.


**Of Roses and Cookies **

Alistair strolled back to camp, whistling to himself. It had taken him a couple of hours, but he was able to catch a nice bunch of fish for their dinner that night. He hoped that Wynne wouldn't make him clean them himself. He really hated that.

He was in a good mood. Last night he finally gave Helen the rose and somehow managed not to throw up either on or near her. Yes! It hadn't gone entirely according to plan, but it hadn't been a complete failure either.

***

"It's some kind of flower, right?" she said.

"Uh, yes. A rose, actually."

"It's very pretty. Why are you giving me this?"

Alistair stared at her. Wait, what? Weren't women supposed to melt into little gooey puddles when handsome men gave them flowers? She didn't look very gooey at all.

"Umm…" ioh maker /i "Because it's beautiful?" He gulped. "Because it reminds me of you?" Maybe he could just run away and she'd forget he was ever there. Yes, that sounded like a good plan.

"Ohhh…it's a love token!"

He blushed furiously. "I picked it in Lothering. I remember thinking, "How could something so beautiful exist in a place with so much despair and ugliness?"

"It's very pretty. In Orzammar, when a man cares for a woman, he will give her brightly colored stones that he has found and polished for her. This must be like that, but for surfacers."

"I just saw the rose and... I suppose I did it on impulse. Was it the wrong one?"

She smiled. "No, no. It's beautiful. Thank you." Helen stood on tiptoe and brushed his lips with her own.

Mmm...he thought. She smells good and she's warm and…Oh no. Certain bits of Alistair were responding to her nearness, and he suddenly had to get away before she noticed and thought him to be some kind of drooling lecher. For the first time, he really wished dwarves were taller.

"I'll be...uh…I'll be standing over here. Until the blushing stops. Just to be, uh, safe. You know how it is." He backed away and then turned and ran to his tent.

Once inside, Alistair kicked his bedroll in frustration. Of icourse/i a dwarf wouldn't know what to do with a rose. He then looked down towards his midsection and muttered, "YOU. You were not supposed to do THAT." He sat down and thought. Then again, she did give him a kiss. She took the rose, did not laugh at him, and actually gave him a kiss. He smiled. Maybe this worked out better than he had first thought.

***

As he entered the campground, Alistair caught sight of Sten. It looked like the big Qunari was searching for something. He ran up to Alistair.

"Have you seen them?" he said.

Alistair looked up. "Um, pardon?"

"My cookies. They are missing."

"I don't know where your cookies are, Sten."

"I will find them." Sten stomped off.

Thaaat was odd, thought Alistair. He headed over towards Wynne's tent to drop off the fish. "Hullo, Wynne!" he greeted her. "Caught you a nice bunch of fish. Too bad I can't stay and clean them. I'm very busy, you know!" He turned to leave.

"Alistair! Get back here please."

"Yes ma'am?"

"You're not getting out of this that easily. Please go clean the fish. The sooner they are cleaned, the sooner we can have dinner."

"Yes Wynne. Just let me go get my knife." Damn.

As he walked back across the campground, Alistair heard voices coming from Helen's tent. It sounded like Leliana was in there with her. He then heard a third voice…Morrigan? Curious, he listened, wondering if Helen was talking about him.

A familiar head popped out through the flap. "WHAT in the Maker's name are you doing, Alistair?"

"Er, uh, Leliana?"

"What do you want??" Her normally calm face looked angry.

"I wanted to say hello to Helen." He peeked into the tent and could not believe what he saw. Helen, Leliana and Morrigan sat on the ground with an empty bag of cookies between them. Morrigan had a cookie in each hand and was staring at Alistair with wide eyes as she shoved them into her mouth. Helen was hugging her belly, and had tears in her eyes.

"Are…are you all alright?"

"Leliana sighed loudly. "Go away, Alistair!!"

He looked over at Morrigan who was now tipping the cookie bag over her mouth in order to catch the crumbs. "Helen? Are you okay?"

"Don't look at me! I'm f-f-faaaat." Helen burst into tears.

Leliana scowled. "What part of go away are you having trouble understanding? Go help Wynne or something."

He turned and ran back to Wynne's tent. "Wynne! Something is wrong with the women!"

Wynne ran out of the tent, staff in hand, "What is it? Darkspawn?"

"No, not exactly. They're acting so istrange/i. I'm afraid they might be possessed by demons or something like that. They are inot/i themselves right now.

Wynne looked at him, "Exactly how are they acting, Alistair?"

Alistair waved his arms in the air. "Helen is crying about being fat, even though she isn't fat at all. Morrigan has stolen Sten's cookies and eaten all of them. And Leliana…" he shuddered. "Leliana is MEAN, Wynne. Really really MEAN."

Wynne looked thoughtful. "And you say they are all acting like this at the same time?"

"Yes! That's what makes it so icreepy/i."

"Alistair, dear, do you know about where babies come from?"

"Pardon?"

"I know the Chantry says you dream about your babies and the good Fade spirits take them out of the Fade and leave them in your arms...but that's not true. Actually what happens is that when a girl and a boy really love each other –"

"Andraste's flaming sword! I know where babies come from! What has this got to do with three women possessed by demons??"

"Alistair, have you heard of a woman's monthlies?"

"Her what?"

"Her monthlies. Every month, if she has not been made pregnant, she has her monthly visitor."

He blushed. "Who is it?"

"Who is what?"

"Her visitor. Who is visiting these women?"

Wynne laughed. "Oh Alistair. You are the sweetest boy. Every month, if a woman has not become pregnant, she bleeds." Alistair looked alarmed. "Do not worry, dear. It's all perfectly normal. What you must keep in mind, though, is sometimes this changes a woman's behavior. Sometimes it makes her very hungry, or very touchy and irritable. And sometimes it makes her feel ugly and fat when she really isn't."

Alistair stared. "Maker, I knew women were complicated, but this is ridiculous. So they're not possessed by demons? They're just…being visited?" He looked confused. "I didn't see any blood…"

"Sometimes I forget you were brought up in the Chantry." Wynne said, and whispered something into Alistair's ear. He turned a vivid shade of red.

"Right. Moving on then," he choked. "And you say this is going to happen every imonth/i?"

Wynne nodded.

Alistair shook his head. "Maker help us all."


End file.
